Christmas saved my life

I know it sounds extreme…But last year, it was 100% true.

⚠️ trigger warning

After years of waiting and trying and after a heartbreaking miscarriage, a career change, a lay-off, health issues and a rocky relationship with God we were pregnant from our second embryo adoption transfer.

Joy and elation were short-lived, however when I got severe antenatal depression (I wrote a full post about that here). Antenatal depression gave me such intense fear of the future that I became suicidal. I had thought through different ways of accomplishing the task but one thing always stopped me.

Christmas.

I didn’t want to forever tarnish Christmas for my loved ones.

In my mind, if I could just get through the Christmas festivities, afterward, there would be nothing to hold me back. The fear had overtaken me and I was ready to go.

During the hard days as I waited for December to conclude, my loving husband did not trust me to be home alone so he’d arranged with my parents and sisters to be with me while he went to work. He set up an urgent appointment with a Christian counsellor and took me to minor emergency where they prescribed an antidepressant.

Prayers from my family, the medication and the benefits from counselling seemed to kick in faster than expected and by the time Christmas wrapped up, my destructive thoughts no longer had the urgency they’d had a couple weeks prior.

I wasn’t immediately in some miraculous state of bliss (and I’m still not), but I could function. I was safe on my own. I would survive.

My husband was a literal godsend throughout this traumatic experience and I am forever grateful for him taking action so quickly.

I share these intimate details because Christmas is such a difficult season for so many people. People without family, or those who are grieving can feel such a dark emptiness this time of year.

I want to encourage anyone who is contemplating suicide right now, please…find ONE thing. Even if it’s superficial or seemingly silly; even if it’s a lofty dream or a day on the calendar. Find something to hold on to to get you through today. And then continue to hold on to it. Each day that passes and you are here to see the sunset is a victory! And while your holding on to that one thing, begin to build a foundation beneath your feet on which to stand. Start reading the Bible, talking to a counsellor and check in with your doctor. Confide in a friend or a local pastor. Slowly you will find that you’ve got a solid place to stand on your own and you no longer need to hold on so tightly to that one thing.

Because of the trauma of last Christmas, we’ve only participated minimally in Christmas this year. We’ve had no tree, no lights, no decorations and no Christmas music-which has been a little disturbing for my husband and I as my normal tendency is to go overboard with all things Christmas starting on November 1st. It has been a different experience this year. The snow and everything Christmassy just brings me back to the terrifying experience last year.

I will say, however, that we have been watching Christmas movies, wearing ugly Christmas sweaters, shopping for gifts, attending family gatherings-and have been able to enjoy those things! We’ve been able to laugh with the people we love and dream of new traditions.

Hopefully 2019 can bring less heartbreak, less health problems, less overall stress-and more JOY! Honestly, I’m a skeptical person by nature so I will daily need to choose to hope.

Again, if you are in a scary place and don’t know where to turn, please contact me or talk to someone you trust.

May God bless you this Christmas whether you’re in the best stage of life, the worst or somewhere in between.

❤ Holly

For those of you wondering, we miscarried again shortly after this nightmare and this past year has been an exhausting fight toward healing, though I suspect it will be a lifelong journey.