We have so much to say right now…yet have no words.
This post was supposed to be a joyful announcement of God’s miraculous wonders, instead, it is one of heartbreak….
It all started in August 2015 when we seriously started pursuing Embryo Adoption/Donation.
Embryo Adoption/Donation is when a couple who has gone through the IVF process has remaining embryos that they give to another couple for them to implant & raise as their own. This can be done as a typical adoption, or the embryos could be donated anonymously. These embryos are not created for the recipient couple…these embryos already exist and are waiting in fertility clinic freezers all over the world.
So much has happened since August. We considered one fertility clinic, but decided upon a different one in Nevada, U.S.A. God’s hand seemed to be guiding us each step of the way from the clinic we chose, to test results, to timing & dates. We even connected with some incredible God-fearing friends through Instagram in that city, who’s life mirrors ours in many ways.
Once we decided on our fertility clinic, I had numerous tests done here, to see if my body was in good shape to attain & maintain a pregnancy, and it was. We went through 2 months on birth control (which messed with me more than we ever expected), and in May, began our fertility medications. At the end of May, we flew to Nevada for our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). Our initial appointment was delayed 1 day due to unusable embryos, so we went in again the following day for our FET. We intended to extend the trip into a vacation, but unforeseen personal events called us back home as soon as my bed rest was over.
Up to this point we hadn’t told many people of our plans in case something fell through and it didn’t end up happening or working out, so we apologize if we sidestepped conversations or seemed odd or anti-social during this time…we made every effort not to lie to to anyone, but still maintain the privacy we needed until we were ready to share anything.
We came home and received the news 1.5 weeks later that we were PREGNANT! Wow! The words we had been waiting for for so. many. years. We were thrilled beyond belief! It was finally our turn, and immediately we began dreaming. It was easy to imagine how different our future would be, but we both felt that we were living someone else’s blessing, and that the reality of our prayers finally being answered would only really hit us once we heard a heartbeat or I started showing.
With an embryo transfer, there are a lot more ultra sounds & blood tests involved, and they start super early on. We excitedly went to our 1st ultra sound, unsure of what to expect but knowing everything was so early that we would probably not see too much yet. Just as we suspected, it was too soon to see anything more than the gestational sac. He measured the sac at a week earlier than we thought we were, but were not given any reason to suspect anything was wrong.
We had just over 2 weeks of bliss…dreaming about the nursery and the items we would need to buy for it, imagining carrying a big precious bump at Christmas time, naming our newborn, toting our bundle of joy around with us next summer and all of the glorious little details in between.
Our 2nd ultra sound revealed that our little bean had not grown and were advised by one doctor to assume the baby had died, go off all fertility medications and await the miscarriage. Because my HCG seemed to continue to increase wonderfully, another doctor suggested we continue as we were and do a third ultra sound a week later. I was devastated, but Jeff was still holding on to a glimmer of hope, so with his hope, and the recommendation of other Embryo mommas online, we stayed the course one more week.
Our 3rd ultra sound (this past week) showed no change and my blood test came back with decreasing HCG. We are miscarrying. We are heartbroken and devastated. We have now gone off all medications and covet all of your prayers as we dread the awful experience that awaits us in the next few days & weeks. Please be patient with us as we may have a hard time being light and sociable.
In a million years, we never expected to be blessed with the miracle we had been waiting for, for so long-only to have it ripped out of our lives before we even heard his/her little heart beat.
Throughout this entire process we were very intentional about seeking God’s will and approval in this pursuit of parenthood. We looked into scripture, spent a lot of time in prayer and consulted godly people in our lives. Almost every step of the way, we felt we were on the right path, so losing this child has confused us beyond words. Our hearts hurt and its difficult to see how we can ever find laughter again.
Although we may not feel it right now, we know our saviour to be a good, merciful and just God…so for now, as we grieve our baby & the future we envisioned with him/her, we hold on to hope that He will make all things work for our good and that somehow, He will use our broken hearts.
This song speaks right to our shattered hearts https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dp4WC_YZAuw
Jeff & Holly