– REDEMPTION STORY TUESDAY –
Guest Writer: Christiana
Christiana’s story of God’s continuing redemptive power in her life is so powerful, and I know you will be blessed to read about the victories she has experienced throughout her lifelong journey with depression.
Hi! My name is Christiana, and I’ll be sharing with you my redemption story, which is also the story of my journey with mental illness. I’ll be speaking specifically about my struggle with depression and anxiety, and how my relationship with Jesus has brought me to a place of mental health and restoration.
Living with mental illness as a Christian can feel a lot like the diamond-making process. I don’t know if you know this, but diamonds don’t start out as diamonds…they start as graphite. Regular old pencil lead. However, if you take that graphite and subject it to tremendous pressure and intense heat, and then you wait, you’ll get a diamond eventually! A brilliant, rare, strong, resilient and 100% unique diamond! Did you know that diamonds are like snowflakes or fingerprints, there are no two alike?! I have come to realize that, like a diamond, God is refining me through this journey called life, and in His timing He’s making a diamond out of me! Let me explain…
One of my favourite songs from the last few years is called “Diamonds”, and I really feel like this song appropriately describes the work that God has done in my life over the last 25 years. Here’s what it says:
Here and now I’m in the fire, in above my head
Being held under the pressure, don’t know what’ll be left
But it’s here in the ashes
I’m finding treasureI’ll surrender to the power of being crushed by love
Till the beauty that was hidden isn’t covered up
Oh it’s not what I hoped for
It’s something much betterHe’s making diamonds, diamonds
Making diamonds out of dust
He is refining and in His timing
He’s making diamonds out of usMy story starts in Grade 3. I matured much faster than all my peers, which lead to obvious physical differences. Being an 8 year old, I did not have enough healthy coping skills to deal with the inevitable teasing from kids at school, and I started down a very unhealthy road with regard to my self image and self esteem. I began to compare myself to those around me and came to the conclusion that I was the one lacking and I could never measure up to the impossible standards I imagined others must have for me. I started to strive for perfection in all the areas I could control and took any sort of failure extremely hard. By Grade 9, my negative thought processes had brought me to a place that was very dark. I was a very serious, pessimistic person. I felt very alone, I had convinced myself that no one really loved me and no one ever would, and that there was no purpose to life if I couldn’t feel love or joy. I found myself searching for a way out, and this was the start of my plans for self harm and eventually suicide.
In the midst of this time, God was not far from my thoughts, but I didn’t understand that, more than just believing in Jesus, I needed to have a real relationship with Him in order to experience all the gifts and blessings He longs to give us. Throughout this time, I still attended church, and my parents forced me to go to youth group, even though every week it was a huge source of anxiety for me. When I was 15, at my lowest point, my mom made me attend a weekend retreat in Edmonton with the youth group. Amazingly, I actually had fun the first day, laughing and joking around until 2 or 3 in the morning. It took me by surprise because I was so numb at that point in my depression that I had forgotten what it felt like to enjoy something. I let my guard down a little, and what happened next literally changed my life.
I fell asleep on the hotel floor, only to be woken up at 6am by light. Not physical light, but spiritual light, so bright it felt like daytime. I had this unexplainable urge to open my Bible. So while everyone else was sleeping, I got out my Bible, opened it up, and just started reading where the page fell open. It was the book of 1 Peter. I read verses like 1 Peter 1:6 “So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while,” and 2:9 “…for you are a chosen people…God’s very own possession. As a result you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.” I felt, in my spirit, the words come alive for the first time and I couldn’t get enough! God was literally calling me out of darkness and I understood that the hope He offers was real! The depression was completely gone from that moment on!
I spent the next year with a hunger to study God’s word and grow in my walk with Him. I began to understand that, as a believer, I am not who I or the world says I am, I am who God says that I am. I decided I needed to be baptized. I still felt a lot of guilt and shame for struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide…mental illness was just not talked about openly and I had not told anyone at that point how bad things had gotten. What would people think of me if they knew the truth? I wasn’t sure my fragile self esteem could handle rejection or ridicule. However, I felt strongly that God wanted me to share exactly those things when I gave my testimony, and he gave me the courage to do it. I still remember walking off the stage afterward feeling like there was a giant weight that had been lifted off of me and that I could finally take a full breath of air. I understood in a new way what John 8:32 says “…the truth will set you free.” I was really free! Free from depression, free from the fear of others finding out my struggles, free from the weight of caring what they might think of me. My pastor gave me a verse on an index card that day, which I believe was God-ordained, as it has become my lifeline over the years. It is Romans 15:13, which says “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” I carried that verse in my heart for the next three years, and lived healed and whole, overflowing with hope, forgetting that the diamond-making process takes time…
Several years later, while studying in university, I found myself slipping back into a dark place. My life was going well, I was enjoying school and making new friends, but I couldn’t shake this cloud of negativity and sadness. I was devastated because I thought God had healed me from depression and I began to question his goodness and love for me. I wondered what kind of a Christian I really was if I continued to struggle to experience the joy of the Lord. By this time though, I had developed some really consistent Bible study habits, and I found a kindred spirit in King David. I found comfort in his words from Psalm 42:5 “Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad?” I didn’t understand what was going on inside of me, and David’s questions echoed my own. David was called a man after God’s own heart, and he struggled with depression and anxiety! I spent the next several months reading through the book of Psalms, and although my depression did not disappear, I found comfort in the promises I read there, promises like Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed,” and Psalms 9:18 “The needy will not always be forgotten, nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish.” I determined to put my hope in God, no matter what. However, I continued to struggle alone and in silence. One day I had an older nurse friend ask me how I was doing, and I couldn’t hold it in any longer—I burst into tears right there in front of her. She was so compassionate and full of wisdom, and she insisted that I talk to my doctor right away. I did, and I discovered that a new medication I was taking had depression listed as a significant side effect. My doctor immediately switched me to a different medication. Once again the effects were almost instant, and the darkness disappeared! I recognized though, that I had learned a valuable lesson on trusting God’s goodness, and that through this dark time I had actually grown closer to him. I acknowledged that He was refining my character, and understood the purpose in my suffering. God impressed the words of Psalm 9:18 on my heart: “For the needy will not always be forgotten, Nor the hope of the afflicted perish forever.” I sensed he was calling me to live out this verse for Him, to remember the needy and bring hope to the afflicted, as He had done for me.
I came out of that period a better person. As far as diamonds go, I had endured the pressure and the heat for a good length of time. I just needed a little polishing and I was done, right? Surely now I had learned and matured and would be forever free from this illness…and I was…for close to five years.
By now I had chosen a career as a nurse (to help the afflicted!), completed my degree, gotten married and was just starting my first nursing job. Life was good…or it should have been. Somehow, though, as many people do, I had put God on the back burner when things were busy. I started finding my identity in my job, in my role as a wife, and I began to look to my husband to meet my needs instead of looking to God. I could sense a dark cloud on the horizon, but my “perfect” life lulled me into believing I could keep it all together just by trying harder…somehow it seemed I hadn’t grown as much since 3rd grade as I thought. My world came crashing down when I discovered that my husband had an addiction to pornography. I was devastated and my self-esteem was shattered. All the old fears and lies I had believed as a child came rushing back…you’re not good enough, no one could love you, you’ll never be happy, and a thousand more. I began a dangerous spiral down into severe depression and sometimes debilitating anxiety and panic attacks. I struggled to leave my bedroom, much less the house, overwhelmed with fears about what people would think of me or what they were saying about me. I was convinced that my life was not worth living, that no one loved me and they would be better off without me. I was once again planning to end my life.
Thankfully, my husband refused to leave me in that state. He asked me to see someone and talk about what was going on. And I did…at that point I was at rock bottom, and I thought this was my last chance to get better. I talked to my pastor, I saw a Christian psychologist, I read a lot of books on depression. I felt like I had a really good understanding of what was going on inside of me…but I didn’t feel any better. After months of searching and talking and reading and following exercises, I finally tried something I hadn’t done yet. I cried out to God. I began to search the Bible for answers. And surprisingly, healing came in the form of a little yellow post-it note. I had stuck it in my Bible, in the middle of the book of Psalms, 6 years earlier as a reminder of what God was teaching me through my journey with depression. It had just 3 words written on it, “Change Your Focus.” Suddenly, it all came together and hit me like a lightning bolt.
I think that one of the biggest deceptions of the enemy when someone struggles with depression and anxiety is that our natural tendency is to look inward and our internal dialogue becomes very self-focused. We see all of our inadequacies, our failures, our unmet needs, and the injustices done to us…but the more we dwell on these things, the less we can see of God, and the way he is working in our lives and our circumstances. We begin to believe only the negative. When I read those words, I knew in my heart that I had become very near-sighted…dare I say, self-absorbed. And in doing so, I had removed God from His rightful place and put myself there instead. And so began the work of changing my focus. I confessed my self-centeredness. I made room in my heart and in my life for God to move and speak. Instead of looking in, I started looking up.
This is the journey I still find myself on. I go through long periods of peace and calm and hope, but there are days and weeks where the darkness creeps in. I find my thoughts becoming negative, my self-talk destructive and my anxiety rising. But I have gained the tools to recognize the inevitable downward spiral, and to reverse course. I have spent the last 10 years making mental health a daily practice and choice.
I’m not a diamond yet, and many days I feel like some sort of weird cross between a diamond and a pencil. Sometimes, the pain is all too real. But you know, a diamond doesn’t shine unless you cut it…it must be carefully chiselled back by a diamond cutter in a very tedious process, being careful not to overheat the stone, until every side and every angle is perfect. Even with modern technology, this can take weeks-to-months to accomplish for just a single diamond. The more sparkly you want the diamond, the more cuts need to be made.
I’m learning that it takes a whole lifetime to reach perfection, and that just because I don’t feel victorious every day doesn’t mean that God isn’t working in and through me. Together with the writer of Philippians 3:12, I say “I press on to possess that perfection for which Jesus Christ first possessed me.” If you look at a diamond, the most desired and valuable characteristic it has is its brilliance—its intense brightness of light. And even though I’m not perfected yet, I can still let God shine though me. He is teaching me that, as it says in 2 Corinthians 1:4, “He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” God is using my pain and my redemption to be a light for others, to give true “hope to the afflicted.” Matt Maher said once that “the scars you share sometimes become lighthouses for other people who are headed toward the same rock you hit. Therefore, do not let the shame of a scar keep you from sharing the warning that comes with a wound. Because the more you allow God to use your past pain, the more your life will find present purpose.” My heart’s desire in sharing my story and my scars is that you would see in my life that God really is a God of hope, that there is a purpose in the pain, that He’s making diamonds. The last part of that song says:
Oh the joy of the Lord
It will be my strength
When the pressure is on
He’s making diamondsHe’s making diamonds,
Making us rise up from the dust
He is refining and in His timing
He’s making diamonds out of dust
Making diamonds out of usI won’t be afraid to shine
‘Cause He’s making diamonds out of dust
Making diamonds out of usI hope that my story is a reminder that He’s making diamonds out of all of us, and that you won’t be afraid to shine either!
Infertility and waiting on God 
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