This day has been on my mind for about 9 months…at first it was with great anticipation and excitement and then with sorrow and dread.
We should be looking into the face our brand new baby, but instead we are left with the constantly cycling thoughts of ‘what-ifs’ and ‘whys’.
It has been a hard road thus far. I have unintentionally let the enemy grab hold of my thoughts and emotions and have seen some dark days. The battle against fear has been epic…a battle that I still fight every day as it relates to our future as a family, Cystic Fibrosis, depression & mental health and aspects of my faith.
Going through Priscilla Shirer’s “The Armor of God” has been an aptly timed study, for in the midst of my fears and anxieties, I am being reminded how to ready myself with God’s holy armour that I may be effective in all attacks of the evil one.
God has also given me little moments to hold onto (like this dream) when I’ve been desperate for hope. Another such time was last week…I think He spoke to me through the words of a song-though, not audibly as I so often desire. I was driving alone on a quiet road with Petra’s “Beyond Belief” playing loud (80’s Christian rock anyone??) and I believe God showed me a picture of how intensely He desires to be close with me, how much he longs for deep intimacy with me…yet in His infinite omniscience, saw that I needed this heartbreak, this crushing trial to be able to grow our relationship to that deeper level. Like this pain was necessary for the work of developing my faith beyond what it had previously been. I wish I could say that I have healed and moved on, but if I’m honest, I am not there…yet. I believe Satan is working hard on me right now, but friend…so is God! The creator of the universe, the designer of all life, my risen saviour, is fighting for me.
So as I sit here with empty arms, I think of our sweet babe in the most loving arms that will ever exist…when I wonder what life would’ve looked like these past 9 months and especially today, I have no other choice but to cling to the promise that He is working things out for my good, He has a plan, and that the testing of my faith will produce perseverance (Phil. 1:6, James 1:3).
I am so grateful for the few weeks Jeff and I shared with our little one, painfully brief as they were, and I so longed to see my sweet husband as a father…but for now, we will wait.
Wait to see how God plans to use this valley we’ve been walking through, for His glory.
If you feel compelled to pray on our behalf, we would ask for physical, mental and emotional healing for both Jeff and myself and that God would make His will for our next step in life to be abundantly clear.